Share your favorite line or analogy stated by William Clark in his talk, Dare To Say No.What makes it hard for you to say no? Why may you, and in what instances, would you like to consider saying no more often?
Wait...saying no is an option...huh....wonder what that is like.... "saying no is a from of self-care" I liked this because I am definetly one that struggles to say no. One of my coworker tells me that ALL the time and because of this inability I add too much to my plate and really struggle with taking on too much or feeling like saying "yes" and being a part of many things makes me worthy. I need to bring in the thought of "saying no is a form of self-care" and take care of ME before others.
When I was teaching in a smaller school, it was almost expected to do more than just be a teacher. I was the midbus driver in the am and pm, taught first grade and in the evenings (when there were games) I was concession manager. I think I felt obligated to help out. There were other staff members that hardly had anything on their plate and they were able to say no. Why did I feel like I had to do the extra work? I like what he said about saying yes to saying no. When I moved to a bigger district, I was excited by the fact that I would not be expected to do extra jobs. This year, I have not been asked to do anything extra. I love that I have more time for myself.
“We spend so much time trying to please others that we have no butter on our bread…”. This really resonates with me. Over the years, I have come to realize that taking on extra responsibilities didn’t make me more respected or liked or make me feel better about myself. It just made me feel tired and, sometimes, used. I have gotten better at saying no, but it is still hard. I work and live in a small community and there are never enough volunteers to go around.
"Saying no is a form of self care. It is the only choice at living a fruitful life." I like this quote because it is the exact opposite of what I do. I find it hard to say no when I get asked to do something or asked a question when in reality it's the best thing for you. Like anything I think it's important to find balance between saying yes and no. Sometimes we get asked to help cover other classrooms on our prep period. I want to say no because I want to use that time to plan for the next day, but I also know that my colleagues need me to help. Also, there has been plenty of times where they have helped me, so I feel like yes is the right thing to do.
"Say yes to saying no," is a quote that stood out to me. I have a hard time saying no when someone asks me to do something. I have always associated being a good person with saying yes when someone asks you to do something. It is hard to break free from that thought process, but I know that it could make a big difference in my life. I can say no to things and still be a good, kind person. I am hoping to grow in this area and work hard to make sure that I am taking care of my class, my family, and myself.
Here are some of my favorite lines and analogies: “The ability to say no is one of the most important skills you can have.” “…we wind up so busy trying to please others that we fail to notice something important that we have no butter on our bread at all, just a trail of crumbs for the birds to eat, and no way out of a forest of responsibility and obligation.” “All this aside, saying no is a form of self-care described in just about every self-help book ever written as the necessity to take care of your own needs so that you can be well enough to take care of others.” “By allowing ourselves to set boundaries to protect those tasks that are most important to us, our “no” to one thing, becomes a “yes” to another....” Personally, I do not have any trouble saying no. If I do not want to do something, I will just be honest about it. Sometimes I will say, let me think about it. In the past, I used to be afraid to say no because I was worried that I might not be liked as much and worried what others thought about me. Not so much anymore.
His comparison between a mediocre buffet and a catered meal from Wolfgang Puck was very relatable. I would rather have a smaller volume with greater enjoyment than a large volume with minimal enjoyment and satisfaction.
Coupled with Watson's focus on that we always have a choice, these are very empowering and encouraging antedotes.
Share your favorite line or analogy stated by William Clark in his talk, Dare To Say No. What makes it hard for you to say no? Why may you, and in what instances, would you like to consider saying no more often?
"Saying no is a form of self care." I really liked that quote in general because I do have a lot of people pleasing qualities. I care what others think and care if someone is going to be upset if I say no so I end up doing stuff that makes everyone else happy before myself. I've found that this is actually something I've been working really hard on personally the last few months is just accepting and knowing it's ok to say no and I have the right to set boundaries for myself and say no. Sometimes having that peaceful time to myself to re-set is so refreshing as opposed to always being on the go.
"Saying yes to saying no." This line stood out to me as it is a struggle of mine especially at school. All the "yes" add to my plate and before I realize I don't have time to prioritize myself or the things that will allow me to be a better teacher. I care what others think of me and will be upset if someone has a negative thought. I often feel as if they will be disappointed or their thoughts of me might change if I say no. I have been working on setting boundaries for myself at school and in my personal life as to what I need to worry about or care about.
Callie Dutenhoffer I liked the phrase, "How to say no to the chocolate cake...Replacing yes with, "I'll think about it." I struggle to say "no" because I just always want to be super helpful. If I see a friend or family member, or even a colleague that seems stressed and needs help, when they ask for it, I HAVE to say yes, right!? After listening to this Ted Talk, I truly want to work on saying "I'll think about it" right away instead of saying "yes" and being stuck in the commitment. I also want to be better about asking other people to help ME in return, instead of always doing my tasks alone and then always helping others. A lot of times I find it too late after saying yes to helping someone being exhausted and worn down in my personal and family life. I then don't have the energy to give to them that they deserve.
I liked his analogy about the butter on the bread and his quote 'saying yes to saying no".
What makes it hard for me to say no is that it feels rude or impolite. I think growing up and how I was raised we were taught that it wasn't right to tell people no. I think that it is important to know what you can say yes to and what you need to turn down. I think there are ways that we can say no without it sounding disrespectful or come across as rude. I like the idea of saying "I'll have to check if that will work for me" because it shows you really do care and want to help, but you also care about yourself and your time. I can't think of specific instances where I would like to say no more. I think I'm usually pretty good about knowing what I can fit into my schedule and what I cannot.
Share your favorite line or analogy stated by William Clark in his talk, Dare To Say No. What makes it hard for you to say no? Why may you, and in what instances, would you like to consider saying no more often? The idea that saying "no" can lead to a more fruitful life was great! I am a people pleaser, so saying "yes" has been my auto-response for years. Pretty much if someone asked for help with something, it came out as a "Sure, no problem", even if it was a problem. I have started working on saying no to things in the last year or so. If it is something that will cut into too much time with my kids or time that I need to take for myself, I will find a way to shorten my help time, or simply say, "I'm sorry, but I'm not available".
"The ability to say no is one of the most important skills you can have." I have learned this a lot in the past year or two. As my work schedule became more demanding, I simply could not meet every request with "yes" the way I had in the past. It occurred to me that saying "no" to some things meant saying "yes" to the best things.
Saying "no" is hard for me when it comes to helping other people out in some way. I may consider saying "no" more in the future to activities that are not important to me or do not align with my values or beliefs. People pleasing used to guide my decisions more often than it does now, as I have learned that living by my faith/principles matters the most.
Saying "Yes" to saying NO. The ability for me to say No is a hard one. Working in a small school, so many of us are stretched and pulled in multiple directions. I always feel that if they ask me to do something, they are needing help in some way. I have said No to some of these situations, especially when it pulls me away from my family. If I don't have a good reason, I am more than happy to help. Always trying to find the right balance between yes and no....never ending part of family needs, work needs, and life needs.
When we do not say no, we please others and we fail to notice we have no butter on our bread at all just a trial of crumbs for the birds to eat and no way out of a forest of responsibility and objection. This resonate because at times I don't stop and self-care, instead I try to please other and things pile up. Plus I don't like to back out of things so when I say yes and I have a lot, I stress out, and sometimes even get sick. That does not need to be the case because I can say no. I am a people pleaser and don't like to see other people hurt and disappointed. I think, and I am trying to do it, I need to say more with certain activities at school. I think this will help, not only for my own sanity and health, but it will also give me more time with my wife. It will also give more people the chance to step up and not expect me to do it or be that person that they always rely on.
80% of the time, people can’t stomach saying no. But the ability to say no is one the most important skills a person can have. “Know which side of your bread is buttered.” - We need to know where the best opportunities lie. We are afraid to say no incase we might miss out on something. I struggle to say no because I know what they are asking me to do, I could do well and have the skill set for such as being the Girl Scout Leader or Sunday School teacher. I decided to take on the Girl Scout leader but ended up saying no to Sunday School because I truly enjoy the time I spend sitting quietly in church and it helps me recharge for the week. I didn’t want it to also become a chore. So I felt like by choosing one I was still giving back to my community and helping children but by saying no to the other, I was making a commitment to my own mental health and spiritual well being. Saying no is a form of self care. We have the right and responsibility to take care of our time and how we feel.
I think that Clark's acknowledgement that while "No" can sometimes hurt others and/or cause disappointment, it really is a necessity/reality of a full life, resonates most with me. As a "pleaser" for most (maybe all?) of my life, the fear of being rude or hurting others has kept me from saying no to many, many things that in the larger picture, have not been good fits for my time, energy, or relationships. So many times, I've ended up angry with myself and the situation, or ended up ultimately disappointing the initiator anyway when I was unable to follow through or live up to expectations. Some of the things that I need to say no to right now are: -Things that make my job “more” than it has to be. I need to focus on the activities that engage and offer the most to my students, and say no to school/teacher activities outside of the classroom that don’t provide direct benefit to my students. -Spending more time than strictly necessary on projects initiated by others that I’ve been asked to participate in. -I need to say no to my desire (and others’ suggestions) that I work part-time during the summer for the time being because I see value in giving my son more of my time while he’s young. I need to have the perspective that I will have plenty of time to work once he’s into middle and high school, but I can’t get these young years with him back. Saying no is hard, but I hope that it gets easier with time. I hope that this study will teach me ways to look at my “noes” as opportunities for joy and growth instead of being disappointments to those around me.
Replace your hasty "Yes" with "I'll think about it." This was my favorite pointer from Clark's presentation. When other's ask for help, my knee jerk reaction is to say yes before I really take the time to think of how it will impact my own life. I hate to say no because I don't want to disappoint anyone, and I do believe we are sometimes called to help others - even when it's not convenient for us. I recently had a friend ask me to help her out with something that was going to last for a few months. Instead of immediately saying yes, I took time to think about it and talk it over with my husband. We came up with a way of me helping but without overcommitting myself. I'm really happy with the compromise that was made, and it made me realize that I want to handle more decisions like that going forward. Right now I don't have many instances where I have to say no, but I know that will change as my kids get older and we get busier as a family. My husband and I both come from large families, and the family obligations can get to be a lot at times (birthday parties, holidays, baptisms, helping people move, etc.) We genuinely want to be there for our families, but when these events are back-to-back over multiple weekends, it can feel overwhelming. Again, my husband and I have started to take a beat and discuss what is best for our own family before automatically committing to being there. As the saying goes, "You can't pour from an empty cup."
"The ability to say no, is one of the most important skills a person can have"-- I think it is challenging to say no to things when it comes to family, my job, and social life. It is overwhemling to be at so many things and try to make everyone happy or satisfied by showing up and commiting to things. I find myself pushing myself too far when making commitments which later makes me resentful and not enjoy the things I like. I think being able to step back and talk through things before saying an automatic yes is helpful. Like the Ted talk referred to, I need to be able to say, "I'll think about it" or simply the power of a "no" and sticking to it.
"Say yes to saying no." I liked the video's Shonda Rhimes example. While it can be a great source of self-growth to say yes to things that scare us or put us out of our comfort zone, it is also important to flex the other side of that muscle, and say no to things that are not in our best interest. It's easy to say yes to our students, our colleagues, and our families and friends, because we want to be seen as a helpful person, and if we're able to help, we want to. But just because we can, doesn't mean we have to. It goes back to what the author was saying in the first few chapters -- everything is a choice. If we make the choice to prioritize someone else, we may give up time to prioritize ourselves.
The very beginning of the TED Talk was completely what I experienced growing up. Refusing to something offered to me was considered an insult by the giver. Obviously, if they asked they must know that I am highly capable and much needed for the task. Asking me if I wanted a Fig Newton truly meant that I could not say no - that would be devastation for my grandma. On that note, how often have I said yes to the Fig Newton knowing that I completely didn't want one and didn't even like it? How often have I accepted a task just because I was asked to do it. "Set boundaries for your time." I like that. I can start with saying "I'll think about it" and if I don't come back to thinking about it, that would be an obvious no.
"The ability to say No is one of the most important skills you can have." It's very hard for me to say no, I feel bad putting something on somebody else or leaving them hanging. I would like to say no more often so that I feel less stressed, piling more things on my list as a teacher and mom of 4 is overwhelming. I would like to say no to the things that I don't enjoy and really don't have the time or energy for, but I say yes because I want to avoid confrontation or I want to help somebody.
There were a couple lines that really stuck out to me from this TED Talk, the first being “Saying No is a form of self care.” If you’re constantly saying yes, you’re striving for an unattainable goal of perfection. By saying ‘no’ when it is necessary you are showing necessary concern for your own needs. As you can only really help others, if you are able to help yourself first. Another line I enjoyed from this video was something along the lines of "if you are not able to say no, you are not being valued or loved in relationships, you are being controlled.” I feel this way a lot, and the additional sting comes when after you do the task for someone rather than being appreciative they justify why you had the time to do it for them, when they themselves didn’t have the time. It brings an extreme sense of defeat. So yes, my mental health could definitely benefit from saying more no often. And where I can start is in my extensive list of weekly tasks I expect myself to complete. There are a lot more alternatives than my one way of doing things, if I allow myself to think of those options.
Share your favorite line or analogy stated by William Clark in his talk, Dare To Say No. "The ability to say no is one of the most important skills you can have." This is so true! It is a skill I seem to lack. Often times I say yes, but never get around to doing it. Or I say yes and regret it. I guess I feel like I have to say yes because I want to please people, and it has gotten to be a habit. I am going to try to be better at saying no in the future.
"Say yes to saying no" is one of my favorite lines by William Clark. It's hard for me to say no when I am asked by a coworker or boss to do something. I feel obligated to do it because I want to be a "team player". I would like to say no more to the expectation of teachers to handle big discipline/behavior problems in our classrooms and just "deal" with them while also being expected to teach an amazing lessons.
Share your favorite line or analogy stated by William Clark in his talk, Dare To Say No. What makes it hard for you to say no? Why may you, and in what instances, would you like to consider saying no more often?
My favorite analogy stated by William in is Dare to Say No talk is, “We spend so much time trying to please others that we have no butter on our bread…" This was a great analogy for me because, as I stated in the last blog post, I often times spend so much time making sure everyone else is taken care of that I don't take the time to take care of myself. When I do this I often am resentful of others that I spent so much time taking care or that "have butter on their bread" and it makes me miserable.
It is hard to say no for me because I am a people pleaser. I always have been and I probably always will be. It is in my nature to make others happy. I am also afraid of saying no due to others judgements. I am often afraid of how people will perceive me if I say no to something. I need to make a habit to say no to things more often and understand that my worth is not determined by how others perceive me and it is no less important than anyone else.
"Say yes to saying no" This quote stood out to me the most because I feel that this is something I have a hard time with. I like to say yes to doing things with family and friends, but this can quickly become a burden as I can fill my schedule up with too many obligations. I can't do everything all the time, so I need to make sure that I'm remembering to say no sometimes even though I want to say yes.
I liked the quote "Saying No is a form of self care". I wholeheartedly believe this! I am not sure this was the greatest thing for me to listen to, because sometimes I think I need to be pushed to say "Yes" more often! I used to feel guilty about saying no, particularly to social situations. I didn't want to offend anyone, miss out on something fun, or on future invitations. I found myself agreeing to things I really wasn't that interested in, and then when the time came I felt guilty backing out (especially if it was something I had spent money on). I have made a strong effort over the last couple of years to really consider what I am saying yes to, and prioritizing time with my family. I have been so much happier, and I don't find it too hard to say "no". Now as my girls are getting older I might need to work on saying "yes" a little more again!
"The ability to say no is one of the most important skills you can have." I loved this quote because I completely agree -- it's a skill that we all should have but many do not. As I've gotten older, I have gotten better at saying "no" to certain things in my personal life. I have learned where my limits are and have also learned to be okay if my "no" offends or disappoints someone. Something I'm working on right now is saying "no" to watching tv or something pointless when I have down time. I would like to spend my down time doing things I enjoy, being outsides, or even reading. I am finding myself wanting to be more present in my real world so I can be fulfilled each day.
"If you do not feel comfortable saying no to some things at least part of the time, then you are not being loved and valued in a relationship. You are being controlled." This struck a nerve with me. Whether in personal interactions or within the work place, how often do we feel like we can't say no? This quote puts this situation in a different light. It shows how unhealthy many of our work situations actually are right now. Too often a yes is given because the assumption is made that this is what is required, but in reality, it really isn't. I would like to get better at saying no to demands put on my time that really aren't a requirement of my job. If I do something above and beyond, I want it to be because it was something I chose without prompting from others and without it being made out to be "just part of the job".
I loved the analogy of pain in the short term (by saying no) is like a buffet versus the long term gains being like a gourmet meal prepared by Wolfgang Puck.
It makes it hard for me to say no because my personality leans towards people pleaser and I also saw and experienced how it was difficult for my mom as well.
I think I've been working on saying no more and getting stronger at it. Having a young family helps with that at the current moment, but I would like to learn to say no quicker rather than saying "maybe" or "i'll think about it" and then spending torturous time thinking about how to say no.
I really enjoy helping people. This is what makes it hard for me to say no, and especially hard to tell students. I felt a sense of relief when Clark made the statement "No is a form of self-care." This is why I had to learn to say no, and it can be done very politely. There are only so many hours in a day. We love our students and we love spending time with them, but I also love my own children and had to learn to say No, in order to spend more time with my family. The turning point for me was when I felt I was beginning to raise other peoples children. I loved that students came to my class after school for help, even from other classes besides mine. They loved to chat, and I loved it to. I eventually had to politely kick them out.
"Saying this 2-letter word may be our only chance at living a truly fruitful life". I completely agree with this quote by William Clark, however, I struggle with remembering this in the moments that it counts. I find myself saying "yes" within family contexts quite often (too often). I feel like as a mom, I am the one who holds everything together in the family. When I am asked to do something, I usually say yes, and when I say no, I can easily be talked into changing my answer. I am not only making things more difficult for myself, but I am also not teaching my son enough responsibility by having him do things that he can do on his own. This is going to be a focus for me--saying no as a final answer.
I especially liked the quote, "Our no to one thing becomes our yes to another." I liked this because it made me switch my thinking from focusing on what I would lose out or miss out on by saying no to what I would gain from being able to say yes to something else. I feel like I'm pretty good at saying no and protecting my time and energy. Years ago, someone shared the quote with me, "If it's not a hell yes, it's a no", and I have been living by this statement ever since. I guess if I had to pick situations where I could say no more, it would be in regards to going to all of my kids' extra-curricular events. There are times when I could say no and just stay home or go visit my parents instead. I hate to miss their events, but I do go to enough already, and they would be fine without having me there all the time.
"No is a form of self-care". Saying no is hard because of the fear or anxiety that will come with it. This strikes me because I have had this discussion about constantly having to do different school stuff outside of school time. I do feel like we are constantly asked to do more, attend more outside contract hour events, or bring more things to school. I can understand supporting our small school but I should be able to have a choice to say "No" without feeling guilty. Constantly asking for more is tough especially because I have a young family that deserves my time as well. I have learned to start saying no to some of these things so I am taking care of myself and not being overwhelmed with all the extras.
"Saying yes to saying no" really reflected how I've been feeling recently. I used to find it hard to say no in most situations. I was afraid to hurt their feelings, felt like I needed an important reason to say no, and was afraid that by saying no it would affect our relationship in the future. I am now more comfortable saying no and I don't feel the need to give a reason or say a little white lie. I feel as though by saying no when I feel necessary, it allows me to truly do what I feel is best. I struggle to say no to my kids sometimes, and could stick to boundaries with them.
I liked the part where he mentioned “saying no is a form of self-care“. This is going to be my new motto, as I often feel guilt over saying no. I have prided myself on my ability to take on many tasks at once, yet now I’m in a position where I feel overwhelmed and want to have more time for other parts of my life. I also appreciate the suggestions Angela had in her book for saying no in a way that still makes you feel like a team player.
"No is a form of self-care." It is hard for me to say no because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I also feel guilty if I say no and others are saying yes. I really do like to help out, but recently I have said no more than I have in the past. I am trying to consider saying no more often to give my family more attention. I find when I am really busy I am less patient with my children. I don't want my family to suffer when I say yes too often.
The one that resonated with me the most is that "no is a form of self-care". If I say no to things, I often feel guilty about it and I need to remember that it is ok to say no to things and that I need to put myself first in more situations. I can still be a team player by saying no from time to time and if others think less of me for it, it is on them and not me. Saying yes too frequently leads to me not being my best self and then in the end, no one is winning.
I enjoy the reference to Shonda Rhimes book. I enjoyed that book so much, but it has been years. Great reminder of it. Shonda had to start saying yes, to all the no's she had been saying. I also like the statement "take No off the forbidden tree list.
Saying no is a form of self-care. I agreed a great deal with this saying. Far too often, we say yes and we don't truly have the time to complete whatever task is being asked of us. This requires us to use whatever free time we may have for a task we truly don't even want to do. Listening to your body was another statement I agree with. If the task makes you happy, then say yes. However, if it makes your body tingle or your heart race, then we should say no. Often times, I've said yes to things that cause me a great deal of stress whether it be because of the time it requires or because I don't really enjoy the tasks. Saying no is something I truly need to work at.
"Check with your body", is the statement that stands out with me the most. Saying no to family or other staff members, that feel like family, is very difficult. I feel discomfort in to the deep pits of my soul. I feel like I am disappointing them if I don't give them a yes. I must learn that if I feel that inside then I gave them the wrong answer and need to be firm in my NO to promote my own self care.
I appreciated Clark's instructions on "how to say no". He mentioned that instead of giving an abrupt "yes", we should replace it with "I'll think about it". This gives us time to consider (1) Do I have time in my schedule to take on what they are asking me to do? (2) Is saying "yes" going to throw off my work/life balance? I also appreciated that he said saying "I'll think about it" doesn't mean we can just procastinate our way into not answering the question.
I also appreciated that it's important not to say "yes" just to be a people pleaser, because that throws off our work/life balance and our overall productivity as well.
"Say yes to saying no" and "saying no is a form of self care" were both really impactful statements for me. I REALLY struggle saying no, especially to family because I feel like I have to be at every family event, every family meal, etc. and I feel like I need to have a good excuse to say no, or feel the need to lie about being sick. I don't feel I have the will power to say no just because I don't want to, or my energy tank is dry. I am jealous of people that can say no so easily because I want to be seen as helpful, contributing, present at all of those things BUT I also know that that means a sacrifice in my personal energy and happiness and a work/life balance of doing things I need to do for myself and my own family. I need to do a better job of saying no to every school event and function just because my kids want to do it, because that sucks all my free time and energy up. We don't need to go to every carnival, bake sale, book sale, skate party, etc. and the kids will still do fine in school and have friends. Showing the kids how to prioritize their needs vs. wants can help them as they grow up as well as help me prioritize my needs for personal happiness too.
"Saying no is a form of self-care." As a specials teacher, and really this can go for ANY teacher, sometimes I feel like I'm expected - or commanded - to say yes when "asked" to do something, or told there will be a change. Admin and state board members may forget that we're only human and have a limited capacity within ourselves before we can break. Especially in today's world of broken homes, broken children, broken societies, etc. Carrying the weight of the students' mental, emotional, and behavioral needs far surpasses what we even went to school for - to teach academics. I love children, don't get me wrong, but to carry the problems of so many, plus my own, and then go home and try to be a foundational rock for my own family is mentally and physically reaching a breaking point! So, this statement of "Saying no is a form of self-care." could not be more true and school systems need to act on that! So many work places are unhealthy - we feel uncomfortable to say no. Like the video says, that's not being valued, loved, or respected, it's being controlled. This is such a burning topic for me this school year.
I like the idea of responding with "I'll think about it" instead of blindly saying yes. I also agree with William's idea that he is not promoting procrastination with this response, but it is more of a prompt for yourself to take time to think about the request to allow processing of the pro's and con's along with the personal value the request has to you. Responding with I'll think about it shows the person making the request that their request is important to you and you need time to make sure all aspects of the request are thought about before agreeing.
Wait...saying no is an option...huh....wonder what that is like.... "saying no is a from of self-care" I liked this because I am definetly one that struggles to say no. One of my coworker tells me that ALL the time and because of this inability I add too much to my plate and really struggle with taking on too much or feeling like saying "yes" and being a part of many things makes me worthy. I need to bring in the thought of "saying no is a form of self-care" and take care of ME before others.
ReplyDeletebtw- this post is from Shelly Berning
DeleteWhen I was teaching in a smaller school, it was almost expected to do more than just be a teacher. I was the midbus driver in the am and pm, taught first grade and in the evenings (when there were games) I was concession manager. I think I felt obligated to help out. There were other staff members that hardly had anything on their plate and they were able to say no. Why did I feel like I had to do the extra work? I like what he said about saying yes to saying no. When I moved to a bigger district, I was excited by the fact that I would not be expected to do extra jobs. This year, I have not been asked to do anything extra. I love that I have more time for myself.
ReplyDelete“We spend so much time trying to please others that we have no butter on our bread…”. This really resonates with me. Over the years, I have come to realize that taking on extra responsibilities didn’t make me more respected or liked or make me feel better about myself. It just made me feel tired and, sometimes, used. I have gotten better at saying no, but it is still hard. I work and live in a small community and there are never enough volunteers to go around.
ReplyDelete"Saying no is a form of self care. It is the only choice at living a fruitful life." I like this quote because it is the exact opposite of what I do. I find it hard to say no when I get asked to do something or asked a question when in reality it's the best thing for you. Like anything I think it's important to find balance between saying yes and no. Sometimes we get asked to help cover other classrooms on our prep period. I want to say no because I want to use that time to plan for the next day, but I also know that my colleagues need me to help. Also, there has been plenty of times where they have helped me, so I feel like yes is the right thing to do.
ReplyDelete"Say yes to saying no," is a quote that stood out to me. I have a hard time saying no when someone asks me to do something. I have always associated being a good person with saying yes when someone asks you to do something. It is hard to break free from that thought process, but I know that it could make a big difference in my life. I can say no to things and still be a good, kind person. I am hoping to grow in this area and work hard to make sure that I am taking care of my class, my family, and myself.
ReplyDeleteHere are some of my favorite lines and analogies:
ReplyDelete“The ability to say no is one of the most important skills you can have.”
“…we wind up so busy trying to please others that we fail to notice something important that we have no butter on our bread at all, just a trail of crumbs for the birds to eat, and no way out of a forest of responsibility and obligation.”
“All this aside, saying no is a form of self-care described in just about every self-help book ever written as the necessity to take care of your own needs so that you can be well enough to take care of others.”
“By allowing ourselves to set boundaries to protect those tasks that are most important to us, our “no” to one thing, becomes a “yes” to another....”
Personally, I do not have any trouble saying no. If I do not want to do something, I will just be honest about it. Sometimes I will say, let me think about it. In the past, I used to be afraid to say no because I was worried that I might not be liked as much and worried what others thought about me. Not so much anymore.
His comparison between a mediocre buffet and a catered meal from Wolfgang Puck was very relatable. I would rather have a smaller volume with greater enjoyment than a large volume with minimal enjoyment and satisfaction.
ReplyDeleteCoupled with Watson's focus on that we always have a choice, these are very empowering and encouraging antedotes.
Share your favorite line or analogy stated by William Clark in his talk, Dare To Say No. What makes it hard for you to say no? Why may you, and in what instances, would you like to consider saying no more often?
ReplyDelete"Saying no is a form of self care." I really liked that quote in general because I do have a lot of people pleasing qualities. I care what others think and care if someone is going to be upset if I say no so I end up doing stuff that makes everyone else happy before myself. I've found that this is actually something I've been working really hard on personally the last few months is just accepting and knowing it's ok to say no and I have the right to set boundaries for myself and say no. Sometimes having that peaceful time to myself to re-set is so refreshing as opposed to always being on the go.
"Saying yes to saying no." This line stood out to me as it is a struggle of mine especially at school. All the "yes" add to my plate and before I realize I don't have time to prioritize myself or the things that will allow me to be a better teacher. I care what others think of me and will be upset if someone has a negative thought. I often feel as if they will be disappointed or their thoughts of me might change if I say no. I have been working on setting boundaries for myself at school and in my personal life as to what I need to worry about or care about.
ReplyDeleteCallie Dutenhoffer
ReplyDeleteI liked the phrase, "How to say no to the chocolate cake...Replacing yes with, "I'll think about it." I struggle to say "no" because I just always want to be super helpful. If I see a friend or family member, or even a colleague that seems stressed and needs help, when they ask for it, I HAVE to say yes, right!? After listening to this Ted Talk, I truly want to work on saying "I'll think about it" right away instead of saying "yes" and being stuck in the commitment. I also want to be better about asking other people to help ME in return, instead of always doing my tasks alone and then always helping others. A lot of times I find it too late after saying yes to helping someone being exhausted and worn down in my personal and family life. I then don't have the energy to give to them that they deserve.
I liked his analogy about the butter on the bread and his quote 'saying yes to saying no".
ReplyDeleteWhat makes it hard for me to say no is that it feels rude or impolite. I think growing up and how I was raised we were taught that it wasn't right to tell people no. I think that it is important to know what you can say yes to and what you need to turn down. I think there are ways that we can say no without it sounding disrespectful or come across as rude. I like the idea of saying "I'll have to check if that will work for me" because it shows you really do care and want to help, but you also care about yourself and your time. I can't think of specific instances where I would like to say no more. I think I'm usually pretty good about knowing what I can fit into my schedule and what I cannot.
Share your favorite line or analogy stated by William Clark in his talk, Dare To Say No. What makes it hard for you to say no? Why may you, and in what instances, would you like to consider saying no more often?
ReplyDeleteThe idea that saying "no" can lead to a more fruitful life was great! I am a people pleaser, so saying "yes" has been my auto-response for years. Pretty much if someone asked for help with something, it came out as a "Sure, no problem", even if it was a problem. I have started working on saying no to things in the last year or so. If it is something that will cut into too much time with my kids or time that I need to take for myself, I will find a way to shorten my help time, or simply say, "I'm sorry, but I'm not available".
"The ability to say no is one of the most important skills you can have." I have learned this a lot in the past year or two. As my work schedule became more demanding, I simply could not meet every request with "yes" the way I had in the past. It occurred to me that saying "no" to some things meant saying "yes" to the best things.
ReplyDeleteSaying "no" is hard for me when it comes to helping other people out in some way. I may consider saying "no" more in the future to activities that are not important to me or do not align with my values or beliefs. People pleasing used to guide my decisions more often than it does now, as I have learned that living by my faith/principles matters the most.
Saying "Yes" to saying NO. The ability for me to say No is a hard one. Working in a small school, so many of us are stretched and pulled in multiple directions. I always feel that if they ask me to do something, they are needing help in some way. I have said No to some of these situations, especially when it pulls me away from my family. If I don't have a good reason, I am more than happy to help. Always trying to find the right balance between yes and no....never ending part of family needs, work needs, and life needs.
ReplyDeleteWhen we do not say no, we please others and we fail to notice we have no butter on our bread at all just a trial of crumbs for the birds to eat and no way out of a forest of responsibility and objection.
ReplyDeleteThis resonate because at times I don't stop and self-care, instead I try to please other and things pile up. Plus I don't like to back out of things so when I say yes and I have a lot, I stress out, and sometimes even get sick. That does not need to be the case because I can say no. I am a people pleaser and don't like to see other people hurt and disappointed. I think, and I am trying to do it, I need to say more with certain activities at school. I think this will help, not only for my own sanity and health, but it will also give me more time with my wife. It will also give more people the chance to step up and not expect me to do it or be that person that they always rely on.
80% of the time, people can’t stomach saying no. But the ability to say no is one the most important skills a person can have. “Know which side of your bread is buttered.” - We need to know where the best opportunities lie. We are afraid to say no incase we might miss out on something. I struggle to say no because I know what they are asking me to do, I could do well and have the skill set for such as being the Girl Scout Leader or Sunday School teacher. I decided to take on the Girl Scout leader but ended up saying no to Sunday School because I truly enjoy the time I spend sitting quietly in church and it helps me recharge for the week. I didn’t want it to also become a chore. So I felt like by choosing one I was still giving back to my community and helping children but by saying no to the other, I was making a commitment to my own mental health and spiritual well being. Saying no is a form of self care. We have the right and responsibility to take care of our time and how we feel.
ReplyDeleteI think that Clark's acknowledgement that while "No" can sometimes hurt others and/or cause disappointment, it really is a necessity/reality of a full life, resonates most with me. As a "pleaser" for most (maybe all?) of my life, the fear of being rude or hurting others has kept me from saying no to many, many things that in the larger picture, have not been good fits for my time, energy, or relationships. So many times, I've ended up angry with myself and the situation, or ended up ultimately disappointing the initiator anyway when I was unable to follow through or live up to expectations. Some of the things that I need to say no to right now are:
ReplyDelete-Things that make my job “more” than it has to be. I need to focus on the activities that engage and offer the most to my students, and say no to school/teacher activities outside of the classroom that don’t provide direct benefit to my students.
-Spending more time than strictly necessary on projects initiated by others that I’ve been asked to participate in.
-I need to say no to my desire (and others’ suggestions) that I work part-time during the summer for the time being because I see value in giving my son more of my time while he’s young. I need to have the perspective that I will have plenty of time to work once he’s into middle and high school, but I can’t get these young years with him back.
Saying no is hard, but I hope that it gets easier with time. I hope that this study will teach me ways to look at my “noes” as opportunities for joy and growth instead of being disappointments to those around me.
Replace your hasty "Yes" with "I'll think about it."
ReplyDeleteThis was my favorite pointer from Clark's presentation. When other's ask for help, my knee jerk reaction is to say yes before I really take the time to think of how it will impact my own life. I hate to say no because I don't want to disappoint anyone, and I do believe we are sometimes called to help others - even when it's not convenient for us. I recently had a friend ask me to help her out with something that was going to last for a few months. Instead of immediately saying yes, I took time to think about it and talk it over with my husband. We came up with a way of me helping but without overcommitting myself. I'm really happy with the compromise that was made, and it made me realize that I want to handle more decisions like that going forward. Right now I don't have many instances where I have to say no, but I know that will change as my kids get older and we get busier as a family. My husband and I both come from large families, and the family obligations can get to be a lot at times (birthday parties, holidays, baptisms, helping people move, etc.) We genuinely want to be there for our families, but when these events are back-to-back over multiple weekends, it can feel overwhelming. Again, my husband and I have started to take a beat and discuss what is best for our own family before automatically committing to being there. As the saying goes, "You can't pour from an empty cup."
"The ability to say no, is one of the most important skills a person can have"-- I think it is challenging to say no to things when it comes to family, my job, and social life. It is overwhemling to be at so many things and try to make everyone happy or satisfied by showing up and commiting to things. I find myself pushing myself too far when making commitments which later makes me resentful and not enjoy the things I like. I think being able to step back and talk through things before saying an automatic yes is helpful. Like the Ted talk referred to, I need to be able to say, "I'll think about it" or simply the power of a "no" and sticking to it.
ReplyDelete"Say yes to saying no." I liked the video's Shonda Rhimes example. While it can be a great source of self-growth to say yes to things that scare us or put us out of our comfort zone, it is also important to flex the other side of that muscle, and say no to things that are not in our best interest. It's easy to say yes to our students, our colleagues, and our families and friends, because we want to be seen as a helpful person, and if we're able to help, we want to. But just because we can, doesn't mean we have to. It goes back to what the author was saying in the first few chapters -- everything is a choice. If we make the choice to prioritize someone else, we may give up time to prioritize ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThe very beginning of the TED Talk was completely what I experienced growing up. Refusing to something offered to me was considered an insult by the giver. Obviously, if they asked they must know that I am highly capable and much needed for the task. Asking me if I wanted a Fig Newton truly meant that I could not say no - that would be devastation for my grandma. On that note, how often have I said yes to the Fig Newton knowing that I completely didn't want one and didn't even like it? How often have I accepted a task just because I was asked to do it. "Set boundaries for your time." I like that. I can start with saying "I'll think about it" and if I don't come back to thinking about it, that would be an obvious no.
ReplyDelete"The ability to say No is one of the most important skills you can have." It's very hard for me to say no, I feel bad putting something on somebody else or leaving them hanging. I would like to say no more often so that I feel less stressed, piling more things on my list as a teacher and mom of 4 is overwhelming. I would like to say no to the things that I don't enjoy and really don't have the time or energy for, but I say yes because I want to avoid confrontation or I want to help somebody.
ReplyDeleteThere were a couple lines that really stuck out to me from this TED Talk, the first being “Saying No is a form of self care.” If you’re constantly saying yes, you’re striving for an unattainable goal of perfection. By saying ‘no’ when it is necessary you are showing necessary concern for your own needs. As you can only really help others, if you are able to help yourself first. Another line I enjoyed from this video was something along the lines of "if you are not able to say no, you are not being valued or loved in relationships, you are being controlled.” I feel this way a lot, and the additional sting comes when after you do the task for someone rather than being appreciative they justify why you had the time to do it for them, when they themselves didn’t have the time. It brings an extreme sense of defeat. So yes, my mental health could definitely benefit from saying more no often. And where I can start is in my extensive list of weekly tasks I expect myself to complete. There are a lot more alternatives than my one way of doing things, if I allow myself to think of those options.
ReplyDeleteShare your favorite line or analogy stated by William Clark in his talk, Dare To Say No. "The ability to say no is one of the most important skills you can have." This is so true! It is a skill I seem to lack. Often times I say yes, but never get around to doing it. Or I say yes and regret it. I guess I feel like I have to say yes because I want to please people, and it has gotten to be a habit. I am going to try to be better at saying no in the future.
ReplyDelete"Say yes to saying no" is one of my favorite lines by William Clark. It's hard for me to say no when I am asked by a coworker or boss to do something. I feel obligated to do it because I want to be a "team player". I would like to say no more to the expectation of teachers to handle big discipline/behavior problems in our classrooms and just "deal" with them while also being expected to teach an amazing lessons.
ReplyDeleteShare your favorite line or analogy stated by William Clark in his talk, Dare To Say No. What makes it hard for you to say no? Why may you, and in what instances, would you like to consider saying no more often?
ReplyDeleteMy favorite analogy stated by William in is Dare to Say No talk is, “We spend so much time trying to please others that we have no butter on our bread…" This was a great analogy for me because, as I stated in the last blog post, I often times spend so much time making sure everyone else is taken care of that I don't take the time to take care of myself. When I do this I often am resentful of others that I spent so much time taking care or that "have butter on their bread" and it makes me miserable.
It is hard to say no for me because I am a people pleaser. I always have been and I probably always will be. It is in my nature to make others happy. I am also afraid of saying no due to others judgements. I am often afraid of how people will perceive me if I say no to something. I need to make a habit to say no to things more often and understand that my worth is not determined by how others perceive me and it is no less important than anyone else.
"Say yes to saying no"
ReplyDeleteThis quote stood out to me the most because I feel that this is something I have a hard time with. I like to say yes to doing things with family and friends, but this can quickly become a burden as I can fill my schedule up with too many obligations. I can't do everything all the time, so I need to make sure that I'm remembering to say no sometimes even though I want to say yes.
ReplyDeleteI liked the quote "Saying No is a form of self care". I wholeheartedly believe this! I am not sure this was the greatest thing for me to listen to, because sometimes I think I need to be pushed to say "Yes" more often! I used to feel guilty about saying no, particularly to social situations. I didn't want to offend anyone, miss out on something fun, or on future invitations. I found myself agreeing to things I really wasn't that interested in, and then when the time came I felt guilty backing out (especially if it was something I had spent money on). I have made a strong effort over the last couple of years to really consider what I am saying yes to, and prioritizing time with my family. I have been so much happier, and I don't find it too hard to say "no". Now as my girls are getting older I might need to work on saying "yes" a little more again!
"The ability to say no is one of the most important skills you can have." I loved this quote because I completely agree -- it's a skill that we all should have but many do not. As I've gotten older, I have gotten better at saying "no" to certain things in my personal life. I have learned where my limits are and have also learned to be okay if my "no" offends or disappoints someone. Something I'm working on right now is saying "no" to watching tv or something pointless when I have down time. I would like to spend my down time doing things I enjoy, being outsides, or even reading. I am finding myself wanting to be more present in my real world so I can be fulfilled each day.
ReplyDelete"If you do not feel comfortable saying no to some things at least part of the time, then you are not being loved and valued in a relationship. You are being controlled." This struck a nerve with me. Whether in personal interactions or within the work place, how often do we feel like we can't say no? This quote puts this situation in a different light. It shows how unhealthy many of our work situations actually are right now. Too often a yes is given because the assumption is made that this is what is required, but in reality, it really isn't. I would like to get better at saying no to demands put on my time that really aren't a requirement of my job. If I do something above and beyond, I want it to be because it was something I chose without prompting from others and without it being made out to be "just part of the job".
ReplyDeleteI loved the analogy of pain in the short term (by saying no) is like a buffet versus the long term gains being like a gourmet meal prepared by Wolfgang Puck.
ReplyDeleteIt makes it hard for me to say no because my personality leans towards people pleaser and I also saw and experienced how it was difficult for my mom as well.
I think I've been working on saying no more and getting stronger at it. Having a young family helps with that at the current moment, but I would like to learn to say no quicker rather than saying "maybe" or "i'll think about it" and then spending torturous time thinking about how to say no.
I really enjoy helping people. This is what makes it hard for me to say no, and especially hard to tell students. I felt a sense of relief when Clark made the statement "No is a form of self-care." This is why I had to learn to say no, and it can be done very politely. There are only so many hours in a day. We love our students and we love spending time with them, but I also love my own children and had to learn to say No, in order to spend more time with my family. The turning point for me was when I felt I was beginning to raise other peoples children. I loved that students came to my class after school for help, even from other classes besides mine. They loved to chat, and I loved it to. I eventually had to politely kick them out.
ReplyDelete"Saying this 2-letter word may be our only chance at living a truly fruitful life". I completely agree with this quote by William Clark, however, I struggle with remembering this in the moments that it counts. I find myself saying "yes" within family contexts quite often (too often). I feel like as a mom, I am the one who holds everything together in the family. When I am asked to do something, I usually say yes, and when I say no, I can easily be talked into changing my answer. I am not only making things more difficult for myself, but I am also not teaching my son enough responsibility by having him do things that he can do on his own. This is going to be a focus for me--saying no as a final answer.
ReplyDeleteI especially liked the quote, "Our no to one thing becomes our yes to another." I liked this because it made me switch my thinking from focusing on what I would lose out or miss out on by saying no to what I would gain from being able to say yes to something else. I feel like I'm pretty good at saying no and protecting my time and energy. Years ago, someone shared the quote with me, "If it's not a hell yes, it's a no", and I have been living by this statement ever since. I guess if I had to pick situations where I could say no more, it would be in regards to going to all of my kids' extra-curricular events. There are times when I could say no and just stay home or go visit my parents instead. I hate to miss their events, but I do go to enough already, and they would be fine without having me there all the time.
ReplyDelete"No is a form of self-care". Saying no is hard because of the fear or anxiety that will come with it. This strikes me because I have had this discussion about constantly having to do different school stuff outside of school time. I do feel like we are constantly asked to do more, attend more outside contract hour events, or bring more things to school. I can understand supporting our small school but I should be able to have a choice to say "No" without feeling guilty. Constantly asking for more is tough especially because I have a young family that deserves my time as well. I have learned to start saying no to some of these things so I am taking care of myself and not being overwhelmed with all the extras.
ReplyDelete"Saying yes to saying no" really reflected how I've been feeling recently. I used to find it hard to say no in most situations. I was afraid to hurt their feelings, felt like I needed an important reason to say no, and was afraid that by saying no it would affect our relationship in the future. I am now more comfortable saying no and I don't feel the need to give a reason or say a little white lie. I feel as though by saying no when I feel necessary, it allows me to truly do what I feel is best. I struggle to say no to my kids sometimes, and could stick to boundaries with them.
ReplyDeleteI liked the part where he mentioned “saying no is a form of self-care“. This is going to be my new motto, as I often feel guilt over saying no. I have prided myself on my ability to take on many tasks at once, yet now I’m in a position where I feel overwhelmed and want to have more time for other parts of my life. I also appreciate the suggestions Angela had in her book for saying no in a way that still makes you feel like a team player.
ReplyDelete"No is a form of self-care." It is hard for me to say no because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I also feel guilty if I say no and others are saying yes. I really do like to help out, but recently I have said no more than I have in the past. I am trying to consider saying no more often to give my family more attention. I find when I am really busy I am less patient with my children. I don't want my family to suffer when I say yes too often.
ReplyDeleteThe one that resonated with me the most is that "no is a form of self-care". If I say no to things, I often feel guilty about it and I need to remember that it is ok to say no to things and that I need to put myself first in more situations. I can still be a team player by saying no from time to time and if others think less of me for it, it is on them and not me. Saying yes too frequently leads to me not being my best self and then in the end, no one is winning.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy the reference to Shonda Rhimes book. I enjoyed that book so much, but it has been years. Great reminder of it. Shonda had to start saying yes, to all the no's she had been saying.
ReplyDeleteI also like the statement "take No off the forbidden tree list.
Saying no is a form of self-care. I agreed a great deal with this saying. Far too often, we say yes and we don't truly have the time to complete whatever task is being asked of us. This requires us to use whatever free time we may have for a task we truly don't even want to do.
ReplyDeleteListening to your body was another statement I agree with. If the task makes you happy, then say yes. However, if it makes your body tingle or your heart race, then we should say no. Often times, I've said yes to things that cause me a great deal of stress whether it be because of the time it requires or because I don't really enjoy the tasks. Saying no is something I truly need to work at.
"Check with your body", is the statement that stands out with me the most. Saying no to family or other staff members, that feel like family, is very difficult. I feel discomfort in to the deep pits of my soul. I feel like I am disappointing them if I don't give them a yes. I must learn that if I feel that inside then I gave them the wrong answer and need to be firm in my NO to promote my own self care.
ReplyDeleteI appreciated Clark's instructions on "how to say no". He mentioned that instead of giving an abrupt "yes", we should replace it with "I'll think about it". This gives us time to consider (1) Do I have time in my schedule to take on what they are asking me to do? (2) Is saying "yes" going to throw off my work/life balance? I also appreciated that he said saying "I'll think about it" doesn't mean we can just procastinate our way into not answering the question.
ReplyDeleteI also appreciated that it's important not to say "yes" just to be a people pleaser, because that throws off our work/life balance and our overall productivity as well.
"Say yes to saying no" and "saying no is a form of self care" were both really impactful statements for me. I REALLY struggle saying no, especially to family because I feel like I have to be at every family event, every family meal, etc. and I feel like I need to have a good excuse to say no, or feel the need to lie about being sick. I don't feel I have the will power to say no just because I don't want to, or my energy tank is dry. I am jealous of people that can say no so easily because I want to be seen as helpful, contributing, present at all of those things BUT I also know that that means a sacrifice in my personal energy and happiness and a work/life balance of doing things I need to do for myself and my own family.
ReplyDeleteI need to do a better job of saying no to every school event and function just because my kids want to do it, because that sucks all my free time and energy up. We don't need to go to every carnival, bake sale, book sale, skate party, etc. and the kids will still do fine in school and have friends. Showing the kids how to prioritize their needs vs. wants can help them as they grow up as well as help me prioritize my needs for personal happiness too.
"Saying no is a form of self-care." As a specials teacher, and really this can go for ANY teacher, sometimes I feel like I'm expected - or commanded - to say yes when "asked" to do something, or told there will be a change. Admin and state board members may forget that we're only human and have a limited capacity within ourselves before we can break. Especially in today's world of broken homes, broken children, broken societies, etc. Carrying the weight of the students' mental, emotional, and behavioral needs far surpasses what we even went to school for - to teach academics. I love children, don't get me wrong, but to carry the problems of so many, plus my own, and then go home and try to be a foundational rock for my own family is mentally and physically reaching a breaking point! So, this statement of "Saying no is a form of self-care." could not be more true and school systems need to act on that! So many work places are unhealthy - we feel uncomfortable to say no. Like the video says, that's not being valued, loved, or respected, it's being controlled. This is such a burning topic for me this school year.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of responding with "I'll think about it" instead of blindly saying yes. I also agree with William's idea that he is not promoting procrastination with this response, but it is more of a prompt for yourself to take time to think about the request to allow processing of the pro's and con's along with the personal value the request has to you. Responding with I'll think about it shows the person making the request that their request is important to you and you need time to make sure all aspects of the request are thought about before agreeing.
ReplyDelete